Dear Modern-Day Society,

I’m writing to propose the creation of safe spaces for loud nose-blowers.

As loud nose-blowers, we are the ostracized majority. Despite making up the masses of society, we live in a world that prefers individuals who blow their noses softy and quietly. We are safest only in our own homes to blow as we please. Stick with me here. Outside our homes, we are forced to silence ourselves. We muffle the sounds of allergens and illness, and for whom? For the untrustworthy, soft-blowing minority. I’m writing to share my outrage, and I sincerely hope that together, we can take a stand.

I’ve always been an audible, but well-controlled, nose-blower. When it’s time to clear my nasal passages, I trust my nose’s instincts, and act accordingly. I don’t hold back. I do not mean to offend with the sound it produces, it just comes. I have come to expect this sound, as I associate it with a job well done. If I’m to blow my nose and produce no noise at all, I know there’s more work to do. This is all simply the natural physiological by-product of my body and I getting to know one another these past thirty years. When the nose knows, I oblige.

Now, keeping this context in mind, it should be no wonder that I do not trust soft nose-blowers. There’s something about making an occasionally violent act appear dainty that just rubs me the wrong way. If you are quietly blowing your nose-just a quick sniff into a tissue-how can you possibly be certain you’re done? Don’t you ever feel compelled to try, just a little bit harder, to produce contents of value? It is my suspicion that these people are, in general, under-performers. They set themselves up to complete tasks, and abandon them part way through.

I want to be clear by saying that I’m not suggesting we all try to blow our noses in loud and shrill ways. You all know the people who sneeze at such unbelievably high decibels, it’s impossible to believe the sound is not grossly exaggerated. Those people are over-compensating for something, and we won’t be discussing them here. What I’m simply suggesting is that we, as a society, collectively join together to create a world in which loud nose-blowers are not shamed into silence. If we stand together-if we organize-we might be able to send a real message.

If you are part of the loud nose-blowing majority, but have felt shamed or humiliated into blowing your nose softly and quietly in the corner of a conference room and then, when asked if you’re finished, sheepishly replied, “Yes, that’ll be all…” if you are one of those people, I urge you to be in touch. Together, we can let it be known that no one controls our bodies but us! This is a nose’s (nonviolent) call to arms: it’s time to act!





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